Memoirs of A Hat
by Allicat9
Summary: The Sorting Hat has seen many things-and even changed history a time or two. PLEASE R&R
1. Chapter 1

**Memoirs of A Hat-read and review. **

_It's difficult being a hat. You can't imagine all the things I've been through. Nearly 1000 years old I am, but I've been told I age well-don't look a day over 460-well, so Dumbledore's New Year's bonnet says. That's a compliment when you're my age. It's strange, but people always seem to forget about me. About how important I am. Now, I don't like to brag-but I've changed history. Multiple times. People put too much stock into what I say. I'm just a hat you know. They forget that I am not choosing their destiny, that they can still be whomever they choose…ah well. Such is human nature I suppose-but then, I wouldn't know. _


	2. Chapter 2 Albus Dumbledore

**Chapter One- Albus Dumbledore **

"Dumbledore, Albus!"

"Hello Hat."

_Well, well, well, aren't you a clever one. I can honestly say I've never seen a mind like yours in…well, perhaps I've never seen a mind like yours. But where to put you? The obvious choice is Ravenclaw, but-_

"But what?"

_Such ambition…seems a shame to waste it. Perhaps Slytherin then? What say you boy?_

"I don't care."

_Ha! You cannot lie to me, Albus. I can see into every corner of your mind. You have ambition, yes, and yet self gratification is not foremost in your thoughts. You want to be in Gryffindor. _

"That was my father's house."

_Oh yes, I remember him. He was a good man. Very brave. You are brave, I see that now. But your mother was a Ravenclaw, and it would be such a good fit for you… _

"I don't want to be in Ravenclaw."

_Yes, yes, I can see at once that it wouldn't suit you. So what shall it be, Gryffindor or Slytherin? Ambition or Bravery? You have both in your heart young Albus. Either choice would be good for you. _

"I don't care. You decide."

_Never leave your fate to others Albus. Only you can decide your path… Well then, if your not going to choose-GRYFFINDOR!"_

'Thank you hat."

"_Decide your own destiny Albus Dumbledore."_


	3. Chapter 3 Thomas Riddle

**Chapter Two- Thomas Riddle**

"Riddle, Thomas!"

_Goodness! What a mind!_

"What is this, what's going on?"

_Really, it's quite plain- I don't think I've ever seen such drive-such force- such thirst for magic!_

"Get out of my head."

_Now, now, no need for that. I've never had an easier head-SLYTHERIN!_


	4. Chapter 4 Minerva McGonagall

**Chapter Three-Minerva McGonagall**

"McGonagall, Minerva!"

"Goodness this is strange. I wonder what the hat will do?"  
><em>God evening my dear.<em>

"Oh!"

_Don't be afraid, Minerva, I'm just a hat._

"Sorry."

_I'm not offended, you're not the first to be surprised by me, and you certainly won't be the last._

"So…what do I have to do?"

_What do you have to do? Nothing. I am doing all the work here. _

"Oh. Well-what are you doing?"

_Deciding where to place you of course. I've very nearly decided on Ravenclaw. You have a good mind my dear, you would do well there. That was your mother's house you know. _

"You knew my mother?"

_Oh yes. She was a brilliant witch, as I'm sure you'll be. However, you're proving to be far more difficult then she was, but then, the best always are…_

"What makes me so difficult?"

_Curious too? Well, that might change things…_

"Change what?"

_Now I must ask you a question Minerva-and this is very important, so listen closely._

"Yes?"

_Which house do you wish to be in?_

"I thought you were supposed to do all the work."

_I am. I'm merely asking for your input. I'm nothing if not polite. _

"Hmmm. Well, I've done some reading-"

_Yes I can see that._

"And I suppose I want to be in Gryffindor or Ravenclaw."

_Gryffindor or Ravenclaw?_

"Yes."

_No, I'm asking you my dear-Gryffindor or Ravenclaw._

"I don't know…what do you think hat?"

_I asked you the question; you are supposed to answer it._

"I am. I'm merely asking for your input."

_Cheeky! Well that settles it-GRYFFINDOR!_


	5. Chapter 5 Filius Flitwick

**Chapter Four- Filius Flitwick**

"Flitwick, Filius!"

"The others didn't look like it hurt much…it's ok Fil, just grin and bear it-it will all be over in a moment-"

_That's the spirit lad, nothing like a positive attitude to get you through!_

"Ah! My God- is the hat talking to me?"

_Yes._

'Why this is extraordinary!"

_Yes…it's almost like magic!_

"I wonder what sort of spell…but then, I'm sure we wouldn't learn it until our fifth or sixth year…shame. I wonder if Dumbledore does private lessons? Maybe I can ask him to teach me the spell early. I'd like to talk to my knickers-it'd be a laugh anyway-"

_Wait just a moment! You haven't even been sorted yet!_

"Oh yes. Well, get on with it then."

_You are a brave little fellow aren't you?_

"Don't make fun of me. I get it from everyone often enough-I don't need to be insulted by clothing."

_You'd do wonderfully in Gryffindor…but you are sharp as a whip as well. _

"Well? Go on-decide."

_I don't appreciate being rushed you know. It makes for sloppy decisions. Oh! I know. Here's a hypothetical scenario-_

"Oh I love those!"

_Then it's decided- RAVENCLAW!_


	6. Chapter 6 Alastor Moody

**Chapter Five-Alastor Moody**

"Moody, Alastor!"

_Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, pop!_

…

…

_Hmmm-not much of a talker are you?_

"Nope."

_You don't seem shocked that a hat just asked you a question. _

"My sister told me about you."

"_Mafalda?"_

"Yes."

"_Clever girl, but I put her in Hufflepuff in the end. Not sure that's where you would fit best though…"_

"No."

"_Alright then-where will it be?"_

"You know."

"_Yes, the only place you would really fit is-GRYFINDOR!"_


	7. Chapter 7 Amelia Bones

**Chapter Six- Amelia Bones**

"Bones, Amelia!"

_Hello my dear._

"Oh! You speak?"

_Yes. Quite well actually. At times my diction is better then some of the professors'. But now is not the time to be complementing myself. No! This moment is about you and you alone my dear. Where shall we place you?_

"I don't know. My parents were in Ravenclaw."

_Yes, Oswald Bones and Eleanor Abbott, I knew them well. Your mother was especially delightful. I enjoyed perusing her mind immensely-such wit! I suppose she is using it well?_

"Very well sir."

_Ah very good, very good. That's so nice to hear…Better get on with it then._

"Where are you going to place me?"

_Well there's only one place for Eleanor Abbott's daughter-RAVENCLAW!_


	8. Chapter 8 Aberforth Dumbledore

**Chapter Seven- Aberforth Dumbledore**

"Dumbledore, Aberforth!"

_Another Dumbledore, eh? Does genius run in the family?_

"Afraid not."

_So very bitter. Why young Dumbledore do you resent someone so different from yourself? It is not jealousy-I can see that much. _

"I didn't know I had signed up for a therapy session."

_So snippy? Very well then. Where shall we put you, Aberforth? Like your brother, you would excel anywhere…Well, perhaps not Ravenclaw…or Hufflepuff…no…not Slytherin either then? You have a very decisive mind young Dumbledore. Very clear, very noble, if I may say so._

"Thanks."

_So young to be harboring such terrible secrets…_

"Can we get a move on, then?"

_Very well. But remember young Aberforth-you cannot expect too much of people-it will ruin you in the end. Not everyone has as clear a mind as you. GRYFFINDOR!_


	9. Chapter 9 Molly Prewett

**Chapter Eight- Molly Prewett**

"Prewett, Molly!"

_Prewett…sounds familiar. _

"Yes sir, I'm the youngest in my family-you've sorted all of my siblings before me."

_Ah, you're the little sister of those meddlesome twins I sorted a few years ago. _

"Yes sir. Fabian and Gideon. You sorted them into Gryffindor."

_Yes, I remember it well. They were quite easy to place; there was no other choice really. Your sisters were harder though. I seem to remember Prisca as particularly difficult…but never mind that now my dear-where shall we place you?_

'Well, my whole family has been in Gryffindor…"

_That is incorrect. I sorted your grandmother, Polly McTavish, into Ravenclaw in 1886. More recently, I sorted your cousin, (also Polly) into the same house. There must be something about that name…_

"Yes, but I mean my close family Mr. Hat. I don't want to be the only one left out."

_And you won't be my dear-you have a giving heart Molly Prewett, and a strong mind. You will do well in GRYFFINDOR!_


	10. Chapter 10 Arthur Weasley

**Chapter Nine- Arthur Weasley **

"Wesley, Arthur!"

_A Weasley? Don't happen to be related to that bothersome Billius boy I sorted a few years ago?_

"Yes sir. He's my eldest brother sir. And he's not so bothersome once you get used to him sir."

_Hmmm. Loyal and polite. Both of those traits will get you far in Hufflepuff my boy._

"Oh please sir, not Hufflepuff. Harold said he'd rather me be in Slytherin then into Hufflepuff!"

_He's your brother too?_

"Yes, sir."

_I should have known, Weasley is hardly a common name is it?_

"Please sir, please not Hufflepuff!"

_Oh, stop your fussing boy. I mind's well keep the family together…GRYFFINDOR!_


	11. Chapter 11 Sirius Black

**REVIEWS AND SUGGESTIONS ARE ENCOURAGED!**

"Black, Sirius!"

_Another Black? Well I know right where you belong._

"A talking hat? Wicked."

_Well, perhaps not…your mind is strange for a Black. Not half so…black, if you'd pardon the expression. _

"I'm supposed to go to Slytherin."

_And who told you that?_

"My parents."

_Ah, yes. Orion and Walberga Black I believe. Yes. Inbreeding is ever so popular now a days in the old families-and they wonder why their name is dying out…_

"Get on with it hat!"

_Impatient, aren't we? Yes, now where do you belong?_

"I want to be in Slytherin!"

_Yes, but you don't belong there now, do you?_

"I don't?"

_You don't._

"Then…then where do I go? My whole family is in Slytherin."

_I am well aware of that my young friend. I put them there. But you are not like them young Sirius. You break the Black mold. _

"I don't understand."

_You will. You will soon learn that family and relative are not necessarily interchangeable terms. But for now, you must go to…GRYFFINDOR!_


	12. Chapter 12 Bellatrix Black

**Chapter 12-Bellatrix Black **

"Black, Bellatrix!"

_Hmmm_

"Hurry up hat! I'm hungry!"

_Well, well, so you know my secrets?_

"Of course I do. I'm a pure-blood aren't I?

_That, my dear girl, remains to be seen._

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

_You are a very powerful witch young Bellatrix, and you have the potential do to great things in this world. But you must learn to control your impulses, as they will ruin you in the end. _

"I already know I'm powerful! I am a Black."

*sigh*_Yes, my dear, I am aware. _

"Sort me then!"

_Soon, my dear, very soon. But first, a question. _

"You are not supposed to quiz me."

_This question has no answer, but it may be the most important one you ever answer in your life. _

"What is this for? I know where I go!"

_But I do not. I must see if you are as pure as you claim, or as Black as your name. Now listen carefully Bellatrix-What is it that you most desire?_

"What? What kind of question-"

_Just answer it._

"…to bring honor and glory to the name of Black."

_That, my dear, is a lie. Admittedly, one so good you have fooled even yourself. Very well, I tried. SLYTHERIN!_


	13. Chapter 13 Regulas Black

**Chapter 13- Regulas Black **

"Black, Regulas!"

_Hello, young Master Black. _

"Hello hat."

_Well you are a polite little fellow aren't you?_

"I hope so sir."

_A diplomat if I ever heard one! So where to put you…hmmm_

"My entire family has been in Slytherin."

_Yes, your brother reminded me of that a few years ago._

"And you still put him in Gryffindor?"

_Of course, my dear boy, that is where he belonged._

"But it's not where I belong."

_No?_

"No."

_Then tell me boy-where do you belong?_

"In Slytherin. Sirius is a disgrace to the family. I have to bring honor to my parents."

_You're parents and I differ in our definition of disgrace._

"I belong in Slytherin."

_I don't think so._

"You have to put me in Slytherin!"

_Very decisive, very brave, standing up to a magical object like that. I could eat you're head for all you know._

"I need to go to Slytherin. I have too."

_Oh, but you don't. Ahhh, but you do not see that yet. Perhaps one day you might. _

"So…where are you going to put me?"

_There's only one place for you now-SLYTHERIN!_


	14. Chapter 14 Andromeda Black

**Chapter 14- Andromeda Black**

"Black, Andromeda!"

_Another young Black, hmmm-well let's have a look…_

"What are you doing right now?"

_Quite curious aren't you? Well, that could factor in…you're very much like your sister _

_Bellatrix, you're close with her?_

"Sometimes, hat-and sometimes I want to kill her."

_Yes, yes, well family is like that sometimes. But you two are like peas in a pod-I've never _

_Seen such similar minds, motivations, its extraordinary!_

"So we're just alike?"

_No, you're a shade more vicious, if I may say so-and a bit more willing to bend the rules_

_-if that's possible. No, there's no doubt-SLYTHERIN!_


	15. Chapter 15 Narcissa Black

"Black, Narcissa!"

…

"Black, Narcissa?"

"OH!" (pattering footsteps followed by the creak of a stool and muffled chuckles)

"Now I've gone and made myself look silly! What will I do? Mother will be _so_ disappointed; she told me and_ told_ me to pay attention! And look- _their _laughing-you'd think they'd be a little more sympathetic towards their _own sister_ in her _hour of anguish_-"

_I'd hardly call this an 'hour of anguish', my dear._

"Oh goodness! I nearly forgot about you! Oh put me in Slytherin, won't you? You will won't you? Father will be _ever_ so disappointed if I'm not in Slytherin, though mother says Ravenclaw is fine (she had a cousin in Ravenclaw), but father said her cousin was a muggle loving moron and I don't _want_ to be a muggle loving moron!

_I-_

"Oh please Mr. Hat, won't you put me in Slytherin? It would just about break my poor father's heart if you didn't put me there! He'd die, Mr. Hat-DIE! Bell and Meda are already there and I do so want to be in Slytherin hat-oh please!"

_If you'd just-_

"I am good enough to get in aren't I? I don't look like the others; maybe that's why you're so quiet? Or maybe you just can't bear to tell me the bad news-you think I'm too delicate for it. But I promise I'll do my best not to faint as you singlehandedly destroy my life."

_FOR MERLIN'S SAKE SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I can't take anymore of your inane prattling. HOW you think that quickly is beyond even my ability to comprehend. _

"Please put me in Slytherin! Please, please, please-"

_ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! That's where I was going to put you in the first place, it was obvious from the start (if you had just let me get a word in)…SLYTHERIN!  
><em>"Oh thank you hat, thank you, thank you, thank you-"

_Kill me. _


	16. Chapter 16 Lucius Malfoy

**Ok everyone! Thank you for all your wonderful reviews! They mean the world to me. If you have a favorite character or someone you want to see sorted, just send me a message or add it to your review and I'll do it! **

"Malfoy, Lucius!"

_Oh Wizard God no! The last time I had a Malfoy I-_

"Good evening Hat."

_Hello Lucius. _

"Hmmm. My father told me about you. He said that you were much less articulate then you appear to be.

_Yes, well your father's powers of observation were always a bit…narrow. _

'Excuse me? How dare you insult MY family! Do you know how pure our bloodline is? How rich in magical history-

_Yes, yes, yes, I get it. Your family is the best in the land and you will inherit their proud and infamous heritage, yada, yada, yada, etc, etc. Are you finished yet? Can we carry on? Or do you have more inane and pointless pabulum to incessantly prattle about?_

"What did you say? How dare you insult ME! Do you even realize who I am? Just wait until my father hears about this!"

_Yes, well, good luck with him finding a way to threaten a hat. It's one of the good things about being an inanimate object you know. We can insult whomever we'd like and are completely immune to any consequences that that insult might normally inure. For example, you Mr. Malfoy, look like an inbred weasel. _

"What?!"

_SLYTHERIN!_


	17. Chapter 17- Remus Lupin

**It's been quite a while, but the muse has struck! PLEASE REVIEW!**

Lupin, Remus!

_Hello there son. _

OH!...hi.

_Well you're a quiet one. No need to be nervous I'm just going to pop in here and take a look. Let's see here, half blood, only child, blah de blah-oh- 0h well that's, that's interesting…oh.._-OH MY-

"SHHH! Hat! I thought you were supposed to be silent during sortings!"

_Well yes, but come now son, that's a very…uh….interesting surprise for one to just come across when pursuing someone's mind!_

"In all fairness it is _my _mind."

_Trifles, Trifles.._

Are we almost done here?

_What impatience behind that quiet fasquade…that may change things a bit…and you do like a bit of fun don't you? Behind all that academic disinterest? Don't answer, that would be redundant…but where to put you?_

"I don't know hat."

"_I wasn't asking you! Let's see…hmmm, better be- GRYFFINDOR!_

"Thank you hat."

_No problem child._

"Oh and hat?"

_Yes?_

"You won't tell anyone…will you?"

_No Remus. I promise that you secret is safe with me. After all, I'm just a hat. _

"Thank you."


	18. Chapter 18-Mafalda Moody

**Ok, back by popular demand. This one is a little weird, but stay with me.**

"Moody, Mafalda!"

_Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!_

"_Why so many 'oh dears' my dear?"_

_OH DEAR! You can talk? You can really talk?_

"_Of course, I am a talking hat, that's kind of the point."_

_OH DEAR!_

"_Relax darling, I'm only going to pry into your most private thoughts and decide your destiny based on your pre-adolescent brain."_

_What? That doesn't sound good!_

"_It's perfectly fine! We have used this system for hundreds of years! It's fail proof!"_

_I…I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a bother, but it just seems a little arbitrary. _

"_Well it's not. HUFFLEPUFF!"_

_What?_

"_You heard me. HUFFLEPUFF!"_

_But-_

"Miss. Moody, you have been sorted."

"I know professor, but-"

"No buts Miss. Moody. Go take your place at your table. "

*Sigh* "Ok."

**I based this character off of Mafalda Hopkirk from HP7. I thought it would be cool if she was Moody's sister. Don't ask me why. I just did it. **


	19. Chapter 19-Luna Lovegood

"Lovegood, Luna!"

_What an interesting way to sort us. I wonder who thought of such a thing. _

"_Hello there."_

_Good evening Mr. Hat._

"_You're a very polite little thing, aren't you?_

_Yes, I think so. Politeness does have many health benefits you know-it keeps the Hulinkles away for one._

"_Yes I-wait, what?"_

_The Hulinkles! They're huge fanged rat like creatures that feed off insults. Surely you heard of them!_

"_Of course I haven't! There's no such thing!"_

_Yes there are. _

"_No there are not!"_

_Yes there are._

"_I am _not _arguing with an eleven year old girl! I know that there are no such things as Hulinkles!"_

_How would you know that?_

"_I would have heard about them."_

_Not necessarily. There are plenty of things I haven't heard of. _

"_I AM NOT ARGUING WITH YOU!"_

_I wasn't arguing, I was just discussing. _

"_That's it! _RAVENCLAW!"

_Thank you very much Mr. Hat. I hope the Filbuys don't get you._

"_The what? What are-never mind."_


End file.
